


Sunshine

by barbvin



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Blood, Cockbite Crew, F/M, GTA AU, Guns, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pre-Fake AH Crew, Sad Ending, Violence, friendship but also betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 06:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8612821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbvin/pseuds/barbvin
Summary: The Cockbite Crew specialized in casino scams, but when they outgrew their small town they made the decision to move to Los Santos. They developed a new, and more violent, way to do things and when they found themselves overpowered, they decided to grow.Bringing more people into the mix would change their entire dynamic, and in the end it would change their lives. Also,How the Cockbite Crew grew into an empire, lost their way, fell in love, and fell apart.





	1. Sky

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea I've had going on for a while and I'm trying to put it into writing, mostly for myself, but if anyone else enjoys it that's good. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!!! I hope you enjoy it.  
> Also you can find me at barbvin.tumblr.com if you wanna message me!!!

It wasn’t a surprise for anyone, not even himself, when Joel ended up living a criminal lifestyle. It was a surprise however, the fact that he was part of a crew.

 

“I swear, I’m gonna buy you a bed myself.” Clearly that was Geoff’s voice, although it was too early for him to even be awake. It wasn’t like he was proud of sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but he also wasn’t complaining about it. “Matt wants to meet at his place.”

As Joel tried to get up, he started to remember the events from the night before. Their plans had been interrupted by some guy who tried to actually rob the casino. He was clearly taken down by security within seconds, but their chances of pulling off any kind of scam were slim to none as they doubled down the guards and seemed to be actually using the cameras. When they called it off, Geoff insisted on sleeping on Joel’s couch.

The tattooed man seemed to be very fond of Joel, even though he wasn’t always sure. He was very touchy with everyone, he loved to sit on laps and hold hands. However he would only sleep over at Joel’s place. He wouldn’t even sleep over at Gus’, who Joel was absolutely sure he had banged now and again. Matt and Burnie were always something else, even if they were completely open and very caring and protecting with the rest of them, they had their own thing going on, their own dynamic and rhythm.

 

“We’re fucked.” Matt announced calmly, sitting at the head of the table and stopped to sip his coffee while they all looked at him worried. “They are onto us. Well, not really. They know someone has been messing with them, they don’t know it’s us but we can’t do it anymore.” There was a wave of heavy sighs all around the room.

“It’s not a big deal dude.” Burnie said, almost throwing his whole torso on the table to try and grab everyone’s attention. “So, we move.” He let out as if it was nothing. “We’ve known for a while about Los Santos. We have contacts there and we know that’s the place for crime. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.” He pointed at Matt after that.

“I’m in.” Gus declared and they all turned to him as no one expected him to talk. “If we sell all the apartments, and get a small one there, we could finally invest in some technology to help. We can go big.” His smile was the biggest Joel had ever seen. “This is an opportunity, we’re not fucked, we’re ready to go big and get fucking rich.” His voice was serious and there was a silence that maybe lasted for way too long.

“Fuck yes!” Of course Geoff was the first one to react. Before any of them could say another word, he was popping open a champagne bottle and passing it around. Burnie was smiling now as he drank, while Gus and Geoff cheered for him.

“What do you say, Joel?” Matt asked. They hadn’t moved from their seats yet, and they hadn’t showed any kind of reaction to the decision. However they knew there was no way to take it back when the majority of them seemed to be decided already. The three men stopped their celebrations to at least hear to what they had to say, which Joel appreciated.

“If you’re going, I’ll follow.” Joel said to no one in particular, just in general. “I have nothing keeping me here, and I have no reason to go there, other than this.” He told them. “I’ll go wherever there’s work for me to do.” He quickly added after realizing his last statement could be interpreted in an emotional way, not that he wouldn’t mean it but he certainly didn’t want to say it.

“So, it’s decided.” Matt stood up to say that, throwing Joel a reassuring smile that he didn’t know he needed. “If this goes wrong, I’m blaming you, you’re warned.” He put his finger on Gus face as the man passed him the bottle, and even though it did sound like a serious threat they were all giggling and cheering while more bottles were being opened.

“You can be as moody as you want, but we’re not leaving you behind.” Burnie told Joel a couple minutes after, when he still hadn’t moved from his seat while the rest of them were already having a drunken dance party, as if they didn’t have any worries at all. “You know if you really won’t do it, I won’t do it without you.” 

Joel sometimes had a tendency to forget certain things. Sometimes it wasn’t easy for him to remember that, as much as Burnie and Matt had their own thing now, he had been Burnie’s first crime partner. They had gotten into this world together, even if most nights now he was either with Geoff or by himself. They had started together, and it was reassuring to have Burnie telling him he didn’t intend on continuing without him. So Joel stole the bottle from his hand and took a big swig.

“We couldn’t do it without you anyway.” Geoff started talking, sitting next to him. “You’re our front man! None of us can do that. Can you imagine Gus having to do your part? Then we would actually be fucked.” He teased and caused laughs to go all around the room, completely breaking the tension that had been there just before.

 

And so that same night they stayed in, sitting in Matt’s apartment looking for their new place. They settled for two small ones, right next to each other in the shadiest part of Los santos but at least they all got their own room. At some point, for an unclear reason, Joel started to feel excited about the prospect of starting from zero again. Geoff insisted that he wanted the two bedroom apartment to share with Joel, and he didn’t feel like fighting him on that one. When he was trying to sleep that night he thought he might buy an actual bed once they moved.

 

* * *

 

 Three months living in Los Santos already and it felt like nothing had changed at all. It wasn’t that they were doing badly, not at all, but they were still counting cards, passing signals, all those classic tricks. It didn’t feel like they were progressing at all, which was what this trip was supposed to do for them. At least Joel had the apartment to himself, more often than not, when Geoff went over to sleep with Gus thinking he was being sneaky.

Gus had been talking about the technology he was supposed to get since forever; Joel was actually a bit tired of it. He was having fun anyway, if he actually thought about it. What else could he ask for? He was going out every night with all of his best friends and getting to gamble, which he quite enjoyed. The fact that they only had their basic tricks meant it took longer to get the winnings they wanted for a night, and that meant more time playing.

Joel enjoyed playing, he always had, maybe a bit too much. He liked to sit at that table and forget everything around him. When he was there, all his brain had to focus on was counting the cards, literally everything else was forgotten and that was something he didn’t get to experience any other time. Once he met Burnie, and the other guys followed, he had to learn to devote some of his attention to the surroundings which definitely wasn’t easy but Joel liked winning, and so he made it happen.

 

“You’re always outdoing yourself.” Geoff commented while they walked to the car in a particularly good night, putting and arm around his shoulders and showing him a sheepish smile, the kind only he could pull off. However the moment was over way too soon as he suddenly groaned in pain and the grip on Joel’s shoulder was the only thing keeping him up.

It took them a second to understand they were being shot at. There was a sudden rush of adrenaline going through his body as he tried to keep his friend up and make it to the car. They were the last ones, and as soon as they got in, Matt was driving as fast as he could. Burnie grabbed a gun from the glove compartment, which Joel knew nothing about, and he was shooting out of the window, while screaming about someone or something following them.

 

“Fucking Christ.” Joel complained now sitting on the couch of his apartment, his heart was still racing and he was pretty sure his blood pressure was way too high. He wasn’t completely convinced he wouldn’t die any second. Even though his face was buried in his hands, he could still hear a collective sigh going all around the room. “So, this is the kind of thing we’re doing now?” He asked frustrated.

Thankfully Geoff wasn’t badly injured. The bullet just slightly pierced a muscle in his lower leg, causing him to bleed a lot and scream in pain. As soon as they were in the car, they applied pressure to the bleeding and although it didn’t help with Geoff’s loud complaints, it probably saved his life, so Joel was pretty happy about that. As soon as they made it home safe, Burnie took care of the wound and gave him a couple stitches.

 “It was gonna happen sooner or later.” Burnie told them in a very low voice after a couple minutes of them sitting in silence. He was suddenly getting up and walking out. He came back, Joel wasn’t sure how long it took, but he was carrying two bags that looked pretty heavy. He opened them up to reveal guns, more guns than Joel had ever seen.

“Better safe than sorry, I guess.” Gus was the first one to comment, everyone else seemed too shocked to let out a word. “We moved to Los Santos, we knew what was going to happen. We need to protect ourselves.” He looked confident as he walked over and grabbed one. He looked like he knew what he was doing, like he wanted to do this all along.

“We’ll practice.” Burnie almost whispered. Although he wasn’t looking anywhere in particular, Joel knew this was supposed to be for him, this was supposed to calm him down. Deep down Joel was extremely okay with all this. That was the shocking part for him. He was okay with shooting someone if he needed to. It was terrifying in a whole new way.

 

Things got scarier very fast. Their plan was to start making more money slowly, to try and be discrete about it, but even if they got away with it because no one in Los Santos gave a fuck, it did attract a lot more trouble. They tried to minimize the time they spent out in the open, which meant everything had to be done quicker. While they did have a couple incidents, now they were ready for it, and Joel was ready to fire a gun or beat up someone if he had to.

Sometimes it didn’t feel real. Often he’d find himself down in the cold pavement, his face covered in blood and the blinding pain not allowing him to continue, not allowing him to get up and fight for himself, but he had a crew. Sometimes it wasn’t him, sometimes it was Burnie, or Matt, or Geoff, or Gus, and those times he managed to find the courage somewhere to step up and fight for them, like they did for him.

Eventually Gus did it, he got the technology he had spent god knows how much time talking about. All Joel had was a bittersweet feeling. He remembered a time where he would’ve been thrilled about getting to do this, about using every tool to win as much as he could. He had learned the consequences of that, but he was too numb to make a sensible judgment.

He was the front man. He knew what he was doing. He could count cards like nobody’s business while actually paying attention to the game and his crew, now Gus had made his job that much easier. He knew when to win and when to lose. He knew how to stay put and not expose himself. He was doing better than ever, it was thrilling.

And yet, after that intense and thrilling part of his day, he knew it was only going to get worse. He knew as soon as he stepped outside there was going to be pain. Becoming numb was a necessary step.

 

“We’re hiring a contractor.” Matt announced. While they still tried to have serious meetings every week, now they included expensive alcohol and cigars, and usually Matt babbling about whatever crew was trying to take them down that month. It took a couple of conversations for Joel to understand he shouldn’t say murder, just taking down, it felt way less violent and that was important considering they were murdering other crews too. They were taking down other crews too.

“What for?” Burnie asked immediately. He got no reply. No one wanted to say it out loud, not even himself, as he sighed loudly answering his own question inside his head probably. They had some close calls. It wasn’t enough. They were scared.

“I’ve contacted Jinx already.” He continued after what felt like a few minutes. “Anna recommended her.” That was all he needed to say. As far as the group knew, Anna was someone important to Matt. They all suspected it was his girlfriend, but he usually just referred to her as ‘a very reliable contact’. She could do no wrong as far as they were concerned.

“I’ll move to Gus’ room.” Geoff suggested eagerly. “We’ll need to give her a room for herself!” He quickly clarified and again there was more information there that didn’t need to be said.

“We’ll also need to work on your cover.” Matt was now talking directly to Joel. “I know you’re good at what you do, but the stakes are getting higher, and you can never be too careful.” He added in a soft voice, but Joel was not offended at all, although he was worried about what this would entail.

“You need a distraction.” Gus didn’t look as serious as Matt did. Gus had a smile he was trying to conceal. “We were talking the other day about this. Hiring some kind of escort to go as your date seems like a smart idea, and Anna knows someone we could trust.” While Joel felt slightly betrayed about them talking about this behind his back, he was way more shocked by the idea itself.

“That’s ridiculous.” Joel reacted quickly, almost chocking on the air itself as he was trying to have a smoke. His cough wasn’t graceful, and the comedic timing was accidentally impeccable, so his friends couldn’t help but laugh.

“It’s not actually.” Gus went on as he seemed to be the first one to calm down. “If she’s a smart girl we can actually figure out ways in which she can help. You could use another pair of eyes. But if she gets a couple of gazes away from you, it would already help a lot.” He explained serious as Joel slowly realized this was a decision that had already been made. He had no word in this.

“She goes by Barbie.” Matt said confirming Joel’s suspicions. “Jinx and Barbie are both arriving in a couple days.”

“With that alias she’s probably blonde. You like blondes, right?” Geoff tried to joke, but he was the only one laughing.

 

As Joel was lying in bed that night, looking at a cloudy sky through the window, he couldn’t help the uneasy feeling in his stomach. Maybe he had just lost too much blood that night and the alcohol wasn’t helping. Maybe he had noticed the ambition in everyone’s faces as they talked about growing their Crew. Maybe, Joel’s gut was trying to tell him they weren’t ready for this.

They weren’t a couple of kids playing card games so they could buy some whisky anymore.


	2. Clouds

There were a lot of things that felt slightly off that morning.

For once, when Joel looked out the window, the sky was still full of clouds. It was Los Santos for fuck’s sake. Rain wasn’t supposed to last for more than two days, let alone an entire week. Everything looked an awful shade of grayish blue. The sound of rain was awfully weird. As he looked closer he realized it wasn’t raining and that sound had to be something else.

There were murmurs. Not that anyone was trying to be quiet, it didn’t seem so, but the walls in the apartment were thick and his door was closed. Multiple voices were chatting about something that he couldn’t quite make out. He couldn’t make out how many people were there either, or if there were any familiar voices.

Slowly he started to get up. The night before, he was the one who had ended up beaten on the floor. The bruises on his knees never got to heal completely and it was the most painful after he woke up. It took a minute for his body to get used to the pain again as he put on some pants and an old shirt.

And then he did it. He stopped himself immediately, his hand just hovering over the half charged revolver on his night table. It shocked him for a second that his automatic reaction when he knew he was facing an unknown situation was to grab the gun. He didn’t like to think about it, but that gun had taken a couple lives already and apparently it didn’t faze him that much to think he might take more. He took it anyway, putting it in the elastic of his pants and covering it up with his shirt.

“Now this one is not very chatty in the mornings.” Geoff was greeting him with a smile as he walked out of the bedroom carefully.

“I don’t know why you all insist on saying morning. It’s 2 in the afternoon!” The woman next to him said frustrated, but still in a very sweet voice.

“Joel, this is Jinx.” Burnie introduced them and he waved his hand at her slightly.

He was still trying to calm himself down, considering now he knew the murmurs were not dangerous, or at least not immediately dangerous. This woman was sitting at the table with Burnie, Geoff and Gus, as they drank his coffee, which he wasn’t very happy about. She seemed friendly, way too friendly for a contractor. Maybe they were paying her way too much, then it made sense that she seemed so cheery and bubbly.

“Oh!” She was alarmed all of a sudden and Joel got curious, but she went quickly back to smiling. “No, call me Ashley. Anna insists with the codenames for strangers.”

“We’re strangers though.” Joel whispered, pretty sure they couldn’t hear him, making a beeline for the coffee. But he didn’t make it, there was something in his way and his hand instinctively reached for the gun, although quick enough he realized it was dumb and there was no threat. Sleepy Joel with his eyes half open shouldn’t be handling guns.

“Good morning sunshine.” Her voice sounded snarky as he looked at her very serious.

She had probably heard his response to Ashley, but he didn’t care that much really. The tall blonde was leaning against the kitchen counter with what seemed like a cup of his coffee in her hand. There was a smile on her face, a bright and carefree smile, the kind he didn’t usually see and wasn’t used to. She didn’t move at all, almost staring him down.

“My coffee is behind you, sunshine.” He shot back, sounding even grumpier than he intended to, which was fine. She rolled her eyes but didn’t move. She was still smiling.

“Actually.” Burnie started talking timidly from the table, and Joel could see the bad news coming. “I’m sorry. We didn’t have any over at our place and you didn’t have that much, to be fair.”

As the blonde finally moved, he could see his empty coffee pot. His shoulders immediately slumped down even further than they were before and he turned around to walk over and take a seat at the table. Geoff quickly moved his half-full mug closer to Joel, showing he was happy to share. As he took a sip, he also decided to take his gun out of his pants, since there was no need for it and it wasn’t too comfortable or safe to sit with it there.

“Whoa. I’ll buy you coffee later, don’t worry.” Burnie told him with a goofy voice, pretending to be scared, as he put the gun on the table. As Ashley bursted out laughing, he couldn’t help but smile a little. “Anyway, tonight we’ll just show them how we usually work so they can watch and figure out how they fit into our plan. So, no pressure.”

“That’s Barbie, by the way! In case you hadn’t figured it out.” Geoff quickly added pointing to the blonde, who was now sitting on the countertop, still sipping her drink and looking smug.

 

They were all gathered around the table as they went over the last details, as they did every night before going out to work. Burnie, Geoff and Joel were dressed in their suits and reloading their guns. Matt and Gus usually waited in the car lately, the fact that they could look at the cameras now meant someone actually needed to stay back and do it. Joel decided that after what happened the night before he would carry a knife on him, it would be easier to use that when he was down.

“Ashley will follow me around as I show her what Geoff and I do.” Burnie explained. “Barbie, you’ll go with Joel. You’re his date as far as anyone is concerned. You stay behind him while he plays and talk with whoever is willing to talk to you.”

“I know what a distraction is, don’t worry.” She quickly told him.

She clearly knew, because Joel was quite distracted. She was wearing a black dress with a deep v neck and everyone’s eyes were glued to her chest just like that. In case that failed, the bright scarlet red on her lips was there to grab the attention again. Joel was trying to look at her eyes, not that it would help. Her eyes were as blue as the sky that he liked to look at through the window every day after waking up. She could’ve distracted him without even trying.

 

“The same as always, Mr. Heyman?” Gavin, the bartender, asked him when they walked to the bar. He was a scrappy British kid, at least that’s how Geoff described him. After weeks of keeping an eye on him, Geoff had decided they could trust him and he could be useful. He had a whisky bottle full of apple juice that he would only serve to Joel, since it was helpful to stay sober, but not drinking was suspicious.

“Make it two today kid.” Joel replied nodding his head towards the blonde who was holding onto his arm. Gavin’s eyes went wide as he scrambled around to find the one bottle.

“I’m sorry Miss.” Gavin quickly apologized while fixing the drinks. “I’m not used to seeing this one with a date. Let alone a date like you.” He complimented her and she was smiling. She was smiling with her scarlet red lips and his white pearly teeth and Joel was sure there wasn’t anyone in this entire casino who hadn’t noticed her.

“That’s okay.” She replied. As they got the drinks, she took a sip and giggled, her fingers grasping onto his arm as she pulled him down. “Who else is with you?” She whispered right next to his neck, her voice was full of amusement and Joel could understand. This was bigger than them.

He didn’t say anything though; he didn’t answer her question at all. He was dying to tell her after hearing the curiosity in her voice, but it was way too dangerous to say it out loud and she would notice eventually, as the night went on. He started walking again, dragging her along as they reached the table. He sat down and placed his drink on the table as he got ready to start. Once he looked up all eyes were looking in his direction but not at him at all. He felt hands that were placed delicately on his shoulders and then he remembered the distraction. He couldn’t believe everyone was so easily fooled, everyone but Jack, who was struggling not to burst out in laughter.

Jack was one of the most intriguing people Joel had ever met. She was always there, sitting at that table, always focused on her cards. She would throw him some looks from time to time, and laugh when he got up from the table after a big win. Joel always wanted to ask her, to find out if she knew about their plans, about their scams. Of course, after he told Geoff about it, it wouldn’t stay between them. She did know. Not only that, but apparently she was also cheating. Granted, at a smaller scale than they were, but she was thrilled when they came along and suddenly no one was paying attention to her. They were her distraction.

Geoff was the one to make friends. He always managed to somehow find the most interesting and weird strangers. Not to say they weren’t useful. Jack had agreed to help with everything she could while they were playing, if Joel made sure that the hands he lost went to her. Gavin was helping him stay sober, just because he wanted to, he apparently just needed friends and Geoff was happy to help with that. There was also Michael. One night when they left and had to fight their way out, as usual, they realized this kid came out of nowhere and was fighting with them. He got beat up pretty badly and Geoff insisted on taking him back and making sure he was okay. From then on he was always there, hanging out with Matt and Gus on the car and waiting for them.

“What’s up tonight?” Jack asked, coming over as Joel got up from the table and walked away towards the bar. “You bring a date and then leave me playing by myself?” She asked jokingly, throwing a big smile in the blonde’s direction.

“I thought Geoff would tell you.” Joel took a sip while he thought of a nice and innocent way to explain the situation. “We have some friends with us tonight and we’re just showing them around.” Jack gave him a knowing look as she smirked and walked to the bar, where Gavin was waiting for her with a drink ready.

“Geoff’s girlfriend?” His date asked curious and Joel couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of that, which left her quite confused. “Your girlfriend?” She tried again.

“The only person with enough time for a girlfriend is Matt, and that’s because he doesn’t even see her.” Joel explained. He then realized Anna wasn’t as much of a mystery to the blonde as she was to him. “Is she nice?” It was the only thing he could think of asking and he quickly finished his drink to hide his embarrassment after showing the smallest sign that he cared for his friend.

“Anna is really nice.” She replied with a knowing smile. It felt like she could somehow see everything going through his head and he didn’t like it at all, but she was smiling and looking up at him with her bright blue eyes and maybe he didn’t mind that much.

Joel was particularly worried of getting outside that night. They were all in on this, they knew what they were against and they knew what the consequences were. However the blonde young girl holding on to his arm as they crossed the door seemed scared. None of his friends ever seemed scared and that was a good thing, because he couldn’t handle scared. However, everyone was pleasantly surprised once they were attacked by whoever was after them that night, and they saw Ashley in action. Sure, Burnie and Geoff still took their guns out and Michael threw a punch or two, but they really didn’t need to, she was clearly a professional.

 

Joel walked with the two girls into the apartment; they were both sleeping in the room Geoff left for them. Geoff, who didn’t sleep there anymore, was walking in with them for some reason but Joel was too tired to ask why and it wouldn’t matter anyway. They all threw themselves down on the couch, which Joel usually did, but there was no space left for him so he sat on the table and poured himself a glass of whiskey, trying to hide his frustration because he was too tired to confront anyone about it.

Geoff was complimenting Ashley about her fighting skills and doing that thing where his voice got super high and cracked while she giggled and blushed. Ashley started talking about how she learned and the specifics of where and when, even mentioned a guy who taught her some stuff who probably would be interested in joining them. Geoff, of course, asked to meet him. Joel wasn’t thrilled by the idea of Geoff bringing a ‘mysterious hitman’ into their home, but he was distracted.

The irony was they had hired an escort to distract other people from their stealing, yet Joel had been distracted from doing the stealing all night. Maybe it was a matter of time until he got used to having her around, like when he first had to start paying attention to the others while he played. Maybe it was just practice. He finished his drink and headed to his bedroom, leaving the rest of them chatting and hoping they wouldn’t be too loud.

“Hey. I’m sorry.” The blonde said walking into his room while he was reading some stupid article in bed. She didn’t sound apologetic at all, though. He would be mad about being interrupted but the person who wrote that thing knew nothing and it didn’t make sense at all, so he was actually a little glad. “The fridge is absolutely empty. There’s nothing in there. What the fuck?” She asked frustrated.

“Yeah, sorry about that. We really don’t spend much time here. We’re usually in the other apartment so the stuff is over there.” He tried to explain flustered. He was a god damn adult and he had an empty fridge. She seemed outraged and she was right. “I had coffee but you finished it this morning, and then there’s whisky on the table. Oh, I have some vodka here, but I’m guessing that’s not what you’re looking for.” She looked more confused after every word he said.

“How do you even survive?” She asked chuckling, which was a relief. “Like, all of you. You have assassins after you and you figured out how to fight those, but oh no, you can’t stock a fucking fridge.” She walked over and sat on the bed, right next to Joel’s legs, as she grabbed the bottle and took a swig from it.

“I guess we’re lucky.” Joel shrugged while she still looked at him baffled. “I mean, I don’t know, I’m not in charge of that. I just have to play and win. And the rest is up to them. They figure out how to get me out of there.” He was talking mostly to fill the silence. She could tell by the way she smiled. She could apparently read his mind, he had discovered that earlier and she continued to do it. 

“No. You’re good. You’re good together.” She said genuinely and Joel was terrified. She was sitting in his bed right next to him and talking sincerely with her bright blue big eyes staring right at him. “Anna did tell me, and I didn’t believe it. It sounded like you were just a bunch of assholes doing small shit. Granted, you’re a bunch of assholes, but you’re good. This is good.” She chuckled and looked down and Joel took that as an opportunity to take a deep breath because apparently he wasn’t breathing that whole time.

He wasn’t used to having company in his bedroom, not like this. Their lifestyle and work didn’t allow for them to thoroughly take care of their romantic, or really just sexual, needs. There were nights they specifically didn’t work so they could each go about their business and somehow solve it, but still it had to be quick and productive, which wasn’t ideal. Too many times he had ended up fucking a stranger in the back of a bar, and those were the good nights. The reality was it took too much effort. The older he got, he had to work harder for it, and he had less energy to waste on that.

Joel had thought, for a long time, that it was the reason why Geoff and Gus were fucking. It would be nice to be able to do it with someone who understood what they did and could relate to it. Plus, they were constantly around each other, so actually finding the time to do it wasn’t an issue. He found himself really thinking about it, considering it. He could just ask Burnie. If Geoff and Gus could do it and keep their friendship then probably he and his oldest friend could do it too.

Then one time they took a night off and Gus was out of town with Burnie, buying a car, probably, Joel couldn’t remember clearly. Geoff and him stayed in and drank until they couldn’t stand up. Probably some other substance was involved, but then again, it was too many years ago and there were too many nights like that one. At some point Gus called to check in and there was something in the way Geoff was smiling while he talked on the phone. Joel always thought of himself as a very cynical person so he attributed the spark in Geoff’s eyes to whatever he had consumed, but many years had passed and every time Geoff looked at Gus he could still see the spark and the smile.

Geoff was madly in love with Gus.

From then on, Joel took small breaks from his absurdly brutal cynicism, when he was hanging out with them, and tried to get at least the slimmest look at real love. At least the closest he would ever get to it. It was a nice break from the pessimism and the distrust, but he always came back to it for some reason.

“Barbara.” The blonde let out after a couple seconds of silence that would’ve been awkward if Joel wasn’t too caught up in his own thoughts. However, that caused him to look at her confused, not sure where they left off or where she was going. “My name. I’m Barbara.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it!!!   
> I love to read your opinions so feel free to comment or message me on my blog (barbvin.tumblr.com)


	3. Daylight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought I was dead, but I'm not!!!!!!! I'll be finishing this pretty soon, I promise.

Soon enough the word got around that their crew was growing, which only led to more people coming after them.

They were well known and the most dangerous gangs were coming after them. Night after night, as soon as they put their feet on the street, there were bullets coming after them from every direction. The chances of getting home without blood in their hands just weren’t there, either their blood or someone else’s. They weren’t even safe in broad daylight.

No one talked about it, no one would dare. It wasn’t about hurting and stealing anymore. Whoever was after them now wouldn’t stop when they were lying on the street covered in blood. They weren’t trying to hurt, they were trying to kill. There was a real chance that one of these days one of them wouldn’t make it home. There was a need for new rules.

So the changes started. First came the safe houses in case someone couldn’t make it home, followed by an armored car, which they tried to pick one that looked as normal as possible considering it would be hard to hide. Ashley was doing a great job, but she was starting to be ridiculously outnumbered, considering everyone coming out of the casino was unarmed until they got to the car.

 

“We should just ask Ryan.” Geoff suggested one night as Matt tried to make everyone come to terms with the idea of hiring another contractor. Gavin looked frightened to say the least, while Michael just laughed.

The little friends Geoff was making slowly made their way into the group. They would be in the apartment more often than not, just hanging out, eating their food, drinking their liquor. Gavin and Michael usually took Joel’s couch while Jack took the free space on his bed. Joel was never a person that loved company but he wouldn’t say he hated waking up to the two young love birds and Barbara making some disaster in his kitchen that Jack would probably clean up later, while Ashley read some book he never heard of in the corner and looked really unimpressed. He did find it weird however, how he, of all people, ended up living with the lot of strangers while all of his old friends were in the other apartment.

Ryan was a different deal though, he wasn’t sure he could welcome Ryan into his place. He was a hitman. He was exactly the type of person who was usually after them. Geoff was very sure that Ryan was their friend and would never hurt them, but Joel thought that was too trusting and he still had decide whether they could rely on him. Plus, while all of them had certain things they liked to wear for confidence or good luck, a skull mask seemed like a bit much.

No one else seemed to have a problem, even if it was very likely Ryan wouldn’t agree, most of them were on board with asking him. Not that Joel could say anything, he didn’t agree to include any of his flat mates on the crew, and yet all of them were a perfect fit. He was happy to be a part of this and he was terrified of losing his friends. A new addition seemed like a good choice.

 

“Are you doing anything tomorrow?” Gus asked walking into Joel’s apartment. It was a rare occurrence, but during time off everyone got bored and anything could happen. As soon as he shook his head, Gavin and Geoff walked in after him in a fit of giggles.

“Okay, what is it now?” Joel closed his laptop to give them his full attention. He made sure he looked annoyed and frustrated as Barbara was getting out of her room and taking a seat next to him.

“We were thinking about robbing a bank.” The older giggling man explained as Gus rolled his eyes and sat at the table too. “We did our research and Ryan and Michael have already done it so they know how to get away with it.” He explained quickly as if trying not to be interrupted.

“Sure.” Joel squinted as he tried to not laugh at him since it did sound ridiculous. “So, what do you need me for?”

“Well, we’re not going to the casino at all this week so I figured you had nothing better to do. Also, even if I never listen to you, you seem to know stuff about Banks so maybe you could help.” As Geoff spoke, Joel couldn’t help but look confused.

“We’re not going to the casino?” He asked but everyone seemed to know the answer except for him, considering he was the only one looking for a reason.

“We can’t without Ashley. We would get our asses kicked.” Gavin replied quickly with a laugh, as if he ever was in any danger. No one even knew he worked with them.

“Dude, she’s going with Burnie and Matt, to see Anna.” Geoff said annoyed when Joel was still looking confused.

“Oh, yes. I forgot about that.” Joel quickly tried to cover for himself. “Yes, sure, I’m in.” He added after he realized they were waiting for an answer.

The look in Barbara’s face after he said that didn’t go unnoticed. The blonde seemed worried, almost outraged at his response. And she had every reason to be. Joel wasn’t worried at all; with Ryan there no one would even come close to any of them. Joel wasn’t worried at all because Barbara wouldn’t go with him. She would probably try to, but he wouldn’t let her.

In the time they had spent together she had become Joel’s shadow. Not that she had any choice, her job was literally to stand around him, and for some reason, unknown to Joel, she seemed happy to do the same while they were home. He started to find real food in his fridge and they were never short on coffee. Anytime Joel was on the couch on his laptop, he would suddenly turn around to find a certain blonde snuggled on the other side as she read whatever book Ashley had finished the week before. But as calm and okay as she seemed, Joel knew she had asked Ashley to teach her how to defend herself.

Joel tried not to think about it, but he couldn’t help it when he tried to go to sleep, either with Jack by his side or not. He knew the young girl was terrified of what could happen, because while everyone was protecting her, there could always be a mistake, one small mistake and she could be gone. Every one of them was one mistake away from dying.

There needed to be complete trust between all of them, because they depended on each other. Yet there he was, caught off guard by the news of Burnie and Matt leaving town for a week. He wasn’t sure he had ever spent a week away from Burnie since they started. Why would they need to take Ashley? This wasn’t just an innocent trip to see Anna, if they were taking Ashley it was because they needed protection.

“Are you okay?” Barbara asked softly, moving closer and snapping him out of his own thoughts as he realized there was now a map on his table that Geoff was writing on and everyone was sitting around. “I can just stay here if you’re worried.” She offered and Joel was surprised by how easy that was.

“I’m fine.” He assured her as he got up to get some coffee, getting away from the crazy people planning how to rob a bank on his table was a plus. However, the blonde followed him, sitting on the countertop next to him.

“No one’s dying, Joel.” She told him with a smile that seemed almost too warm for the situation. “Michael and Gavin have each other’s back. Ryan is paid to keep Geoff safe, isn’t he? I think he would do it for free. You and Jack can look out for yourselves, right? I’ll give her my garter and knife if you want to.”

It was still surprising how she could read every thought on his brain. She had gotten to know a lot about him and it was shocking. He put a small smile on for her as they watched from a far silently. Everyone seemed extremely excited and confident in the idea. They all already had their roles assigned and if Joel was being honest, it did seem like a solid plan.

“Joel? You still with us?” Geoff asked, as he looked up to find him quite far away. Joel nodded still a little bit unsure about the plan, but mostly confused about the part of the group that was gone. “Okay. So, you go in with Jack and get the money, Ryan and I wait for you and escort you outside where Michael and Gavin will be waiting in the car.” He finished explaining.

“And remember, these are civilians so we’ll try to not hurt anyone.” Ryan said and it kept surprising Joel how out of character he could be sometimes. “It’s a quick job, in and out.” Everyone started high-fiving and it was almost silly, but Joel could see how nervous they were about the whole thing.

 

Later in bed he had time to question the whole thing. He had time to think about how wrong and strange it felt.

Not the bank robbery. Screw the bank. They stole from everyone every day and it would feel great to get a small revenge in the name of all American people. Plus it felt like a solid strategy and it would be fun to do something different. He just hoped everything went according to plan, but with Ryan on their team they wouldn’t be in any danger anyway.

It was fucked up how Matt and Burnie left without so much as telling him. They clearly had remembered to tell Geoff and Gus, and literally everyone else except for Joel. And they took Ashley, which meant the people left behind couldn’t go to the casino for a full week, which was obviously going to cause a lack of money. He couldn’t remember him and Burnie spending a week apart, so he couldn’t comprehend how he could just not warn him.

Whatever, it’s not like he was Burnie’s girlfriend or something.

 

* * *

 

“How did you guys even pull that off?” Burnie asked looking quite puzzled. Geoff looked offended and everyone else found it quite funny. “I mean, not to be rude, but it should be difficult to rob a bank, they try to make it difficult.” He added, trying to soften his words.

“It is difficult, but a bit of experience and planning can get you anything.” Ryan explained, proud of what he had done. He was right in taking the credit; most of them wouldn’t have made it out if it wasn’t for him. Instead of just staying in the car with Geoff he had to get involved in the last minute, but he did a great job and Joel maybe wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him.

“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it, but you didn’t have to, we brought money to make up for taking Ashley.” Burnie confessed as they all looked at the giant bag Matt had been carrying. Everyone in the room tensed up for a second. Joel was just glad to see he wasn’t the only one worried about this situation.

“How did you get that money?” Joel let out after a couple seconds when he realized no one else would talk, no one else was even breathing. “I mean, I thought you were just going to see Anna. By the way, you should tell us about that, we would all love to meet her one day.” He really tried, he did his best to not sound snarky and mad. It didn’t work though, and it came out as the most passive aggressive thing he had ever heard.

“We did some work with her. Ashley was there with us so it would’ve been a waste of time otherwise.” Matt answered, very calmly, but it didn’t help the tension everyone could feel.

“But did you go there to visit, as you told us, or for this job, whatever it was?” Geoff asked, in a much nicer way than Joel did. And he couldn’t help but remember he hadn’t even been told about it, which would only make him sound worse the next time he spoke.

“It’s on me, actually.” Ashley interrupted as Burnie was about to talk. “I only told them about the job when we were there. It was an easy one anyway so there was no need for warnings. I didn’t think it would matter.” She apologized quickly and put on her nicest smile.

They quickly moved on to talk about what they had done and slowly the pressure started going down until they were having a normal conversation again. Gavin was asking all kinds of questions and Burnie was talking about Anna while Matt smirked proudly. However Joel didn’t forget about that, he couldn’t, it still didn’t sound honest to him. He wasn’t sure how much time he had spent in his own head, but Barbara was laughing at Gavin’s jokes and pressing her forehead to his shoulder as she tried to get her shit together and he remembered once again that they weren’t just five kids playing cards anymore.

 

“You didn’t buy it, huh?” Barbara asked, walking into Joel’s room as he was reading. It had become a habit for her to interrupt him without any warning, not that he cared. However he usually looked up confused, as she had a tendency to not explain herself at all. “Ashley’s explanation, that she was the one who kept the job a secret, you didn’t buy it.” She clarified, sitting next to him.

“Where’s Jack?” Joel asked. Not that he didn’t want to talk about that, he was dying to talk about it. He was still completely shocked every time she seemed to read his mind, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted her to know how easy that was for her. “She’s usually asleep by now.” He added, hoping that would take the conversation elsewhere.

“She’s in the other room, has been asleep for like two hours. I don’t know how you sleep with her, she snores a lot.” She giggled a bit, probably not wanting to sound mean.

“With Ashley?” He asked confused. Not that there would be anything wrong with that, just that the two of them didn’t share that much time together so he wondered why she would do that.

“Nope.” Barbara quickly answered and scooted closer. It made him even more curious. Ashley was usually in bed by that time too, and required everyone to be quiet in case she wanted to do some reading. “Last time I saw her today after dinner, she was going into the other apartment.” She said quietly as if they were gossiping. Maybe they were.

“You think she’s sleeping there?” Joel asked. That really caught his attention. She quickly nodded. “Burnie?” He asked again. This time she raised her eyebrows and shrugged. It made sense.

“I don’t think she would sleep with Matt, she wouldn’t mess with Anna like that. She could’ve gotten an offer from Geoff and Gus but that seems unlikely, Gus told me he isn’t into blondes at all.” She reasoned as she got comfortable and made her way under the sheets.

“Are you planning on sleeping here?” Joel asked. He couldn’t help but laugh as how naturally she got into his bed. At least that was distracting him from over thinking the events of that day even more.

“I told you, Jack snores a lot!” She repeated, smiling with her head already on the pillow. “She said she wanted to give you a break and let you have your bed for yourself, and I agreed, but now that I know what you deal with, maybe she should have a room for herself.” She joked, snuggling in and closing her eyes.

As he opened his laptop back up and got back into his reading, one thing wouldn’t leave his mind. It did seem appropriate to move, since they had clearly outgrown their apartments. However it didn’t seem like a good moment to bring it up, it would bring whatever conflicts there were to the light and they’d have to face them, whatever they were. Joel knew about his problems, but he was definitely worried about what the others might be concerned about.

“Go to sleep already.” Barbara complained after a while, putting a hand clumsily over his keyboard.

He complied. It was probably about time and the girl didn’t need to suffer, she was already sacrificing her bed to help him get rid of the snoring for one night. However it wasn’t any easier to sleep with Barbara, but he couldn’t complain.

He couldn’t complain about the warmth of her body as she moved closer.

He couldn’t complain about her hair smelling like strawberry, which he noticed when it was suddenly tickling his face.

He couldn’t complain about her fingers lightly brushing his arm as she moved around in her sleep.

He couldn’t complain at all because this girl giggled and smiled while she rolled around dreaming about who knows what and, considering Joel wouldn’t sleep anyway, this was a good way to spend the night.


	4. Warmth

“Why are you doing this?” Joel asked immediately as he woke up to a tray with a delicious breakfast on it. Barbara tried to pretend she was surprised by his reaction, but he could see right through it, she knew him too much to not expect this.

“Well, I’ve been sleeping in your bed for quite a while and you haven’t kicked me out yet, so I just wanted to thank you for that. I don’t want to go sleep with snoring Jack, as much as I love her.” She explained but Joel didn’t take his eyes of her. “Also, I thought maybe you could use it. You’ve been stressing out about not going to the casino and all that.”

“Thank you, I guess, but I can’t eat all this.” He tried to be as serious as he could but a smile popped into his face as she quickly sat next to him to help, because clearly it was her intention all along.

“Gav was going to see Geoff and he said you should go later, they have plans, I think.” She commented as she chew down on a piece of bread that was clearly too big for her mouth.

“Burnie, Ashley and Matt are not back yet, huh?” He said and the only reply he got was Barbara looking down, as if she didn’t even want to look at him, as if she knew too much.

It wasn’t long until they left again after the first time, considering how much money they brought back, it made sense. However, the second time came without warning, and so did the third, fourth and fifth. When they came back after the second time, Gus locked himself in a room with the three of them but no one told what happened in there, and no one was brave enough to ask Gus. After that, no one saw much of them, when they came back they were usually gone within the day or two. It had become a normal thing for them to wake up and realize they were gone.

“Are you okay with this?” Barbara asked after a moment of silence between them, putting her hand on his leg in what he imagined was supposed to be supportive, but instead sent a wave of warmth through him. The same kind of warmth he felt whenever Barbara would press her body against him in her sleep. “You know, the heists might be fun but it’s not what you signed up for.” She clarified.

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” He quickly assured her. “We have to make money somehow, and the guys are better at this. It just makes sense. Are you okay?” He questioned after noticing she was the one that looked unsettled.

“Well, I was here for the whole casino thing.” She put her fork down and scooted just a little bit away from him, but it felt like she was somehow running away. “You are still paying me for some reason, and giving me a roof and food and I’m doing nothing.” He tried to interrupt but she was quick and talked over. “I don’t care about the pay. Honestly, you should stop paying me. It’s just that if I’m suddenly gonna be fired or whatever, I would like a warning so I don’t end up suddenly on the streets.” She finished.

There was a moment of silence, not because Joel didn’t know what to say, but he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She surely had to be joking. She had seen how it worked. She wasn’t the only one living there now. But she was apparently being sincere and it didn’t take long for Joel to realize he was out of practice, and sincere conversations were never his strong suit. As he looked at her for a second, her face became too familiar. Dark circles under her eyes and pale lips that she didn’t even try to hide. She had been worrying about this for too long and he felt incredibly stupid for not noticing before. 

She was good; he had to give her credit. He should’ve noticed because they spent day and night together, but other than that, no one could’ve known. She still smelled like strawberries and looked like sunshine, even if she was worried to death. She sang while cooking every day and tried to make everyone get into the song with her. She jumped on his back way too often and demanded to be taken everywhere in between giggles and laughs. She got into too many playful fights with Gavin, which obviously ended up with her standing triumphant on top of him every time. She just always looked like she was having the most fun.

“I don’t know how to say this.” Joel let out when the silence felt too long. “I’m not the one actually paying you, so I can’t help you with that. That’s probably Matt.” He looked down, trying to get his thoughts together. How could he say enough, but not too much? “We’re not kicking you out, unless you want to go. You’re free to go whenever you want.” He added quickly.

“Shouldn’t I?” She asked, not moving a muscle in her body.

“You don’t have to.” He gave the best answer he had, but it didn’t seem like she was satisfied. “We are not paying Gavin or Michael or Jack, and we certainly didn’t have any talks with them about living here, yet they do live here now, and that’s fine.” He tried to explain.

“Okay, but they do things. They go out and get money. I just stay here and get groceries and cook. I’m sorry, but I just don’t really understand this situation, I guess.” She sounded frustrated, she couldn’t help it.

“That’s fine. I mean, what would you want to do?” He asked because it felt like the appropriate question, but she seemed annoyed. “What do you want me to say? You can live here if you want. You can leave if you want. You can stop cooking if you want to since it’s not your responsibility.” He tried to get as specific as he could.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” She muttered as she got up and left the room leaving Joel to drown himself in his own confusing thoughts, which was all he did lately.

 

“I know you don’t like me but I need you to give me a minute.” Ashley said softly. They had sat down to talk, after she requested it. The other apartment seemed to be empty, although Joel couldn’t be sure, but it sure seemed interesting since he had no idea what was about to be brought up.

“I don’t know why you’d think that.” Joel said, being absolutely genuine, but he got an eye roll from the blonde. “I have nothing against you! In fact, I very much appreciate how you make everyone be quiet every now and then.” That proved his point.

“Let me rephrase that.” She tried again. “I know you’re not very happy with the current situation and you think I may be partly responsible for that.” This time he shrugged approvingly, thinking honesty would be good. Ashley seemed pleased as she went on. “It’s not my place to argue about plans; you know I’m not the one in charge.”

“I’m not sure who’s in charge anymore.” He said dryly, trying to make a point. However he knew it would be ignored because Ashley would never discuss anything that important with him.

“Barbara. I want to talk about Barbara.” She stated after a sigh and yes, it was the only way Joel would let the opportunity to have a discussion about plans with Ashley go by. “Did you have a fight? Did you say anything weird to her?” The question was charged with concern and it caused him to get alarmed immediately.

“Not really. Did she say anything to you?” He tried to get something, but it was clearly stupid and followed by silence, Barbara told Ashley everything. He quickly recognized the situation. This wasn’t a fair question, she didn’t want an answer. She knew every bit of information she needed. He was expected to say a specific thing here but he wasn’t sure what it was.

What could he really say about Barbara? It wasn’t his place to tell her what to do. She was evidently upset by something, probably the fact that she wasn’t really doing anything so she was missing all the fun. He could relate to that, he wouldn’t feel good if he was living off of other people and not contributing. Barbara was right, she should be doing something. As far as he knew the blonde had learned how to handle herself with a knife pretty well and he was sure if they gave her a gun she would put some of them to shame. However, he was a hypocrite and he knew it, Joel would never let that happen.

“Am I interrupting something?” Geoff asked after blindly entering the room, but he didn’t seem to have any intention to leave as he took a seat on the table.

“No. We’ll talk later.” Ashley let him know that whatever that was, wasn’t over, before she left.

“She used to be nicer, when we were the ones paying her.” Geoff joked, drinking a beer he seemed to have brought with him. “What did she say to you?” He questioned after a minute of watching Joel stare at the table without any sort of expression.

“She was just asking about Barbara. She’s been kind of upset, it’s weird.” Joel was trying hard to shake off some thoughts from his mind but Geoff was waiting for an explanation. “I guess she’s feeling a bit useless. She came to me asking if we were gonna kick her out or something, probably wants to help.” When he was done he pressed his hands to his face, elbows on the table. Maybe he could hide for long enough that he wouldn’t have to find a way to deal with this.

“Oh.” Geoff let out knowingly, proceeding to take a sip of his drink and leaving Joel waiting for more. “She knows you wouldn’t let her do anything anyway, so I don’t know why she would bring that up.”

“What do you mean?” Joel squinted while he looked in between his fingers. His friend’s smirk was a clear warning for what was about to come, he wasn’t going to like it.

“Come on.” The beer made its way to Geoff’s mouth for a dramatic pause again. “She wasn’t asking to be part of the heists; she knows that’s a lost battle. She knows you’d rather get killed than have her there, and to be fair I wouldn’t let her do it either.” He explained calmly.

“Okay.” Joel took a deep breath. He needed to mentally prepare himself for conversations with Geoff sometimes. It wasn’t easy since he liked to be really dramatic. “So what’s your theory then? Why did she bring it up?” He asked frustrated.

“Well, she’s living here for free and no one is fucking her, so either you start doing that or she’ll think you’re a creep.” Geoff let out totally serious causing Joel’s hands to drop on the table, leaving his very surprised face bare. “She’s been flirting with you since day one. She’s been sleeping with you! What else does a girl like that have to do to get laid?” He was raising his voice and Joel immediately shushed him.

“Has she?” He asked after a second of thinking, looking very confused. Geoff nodded amused; he probably was really enjoying the whole conversation. “She doesn’t have to sleep with me to live here. She doesn’t have to sleep with anyone.” He added after a second, trying not to smile.

“I don’t think it’s a matter of what she has to do at this point. I think she just wants to.” Geoff said, followed by a shrug and another sip. “You could use a little bit of that, you haven’t been doing great.” It was followed by a pause. “I’m not stupid, I can see what’s happening. You’re not the only one who notices it. It’s a choice to look the other way, to focus on the good stuff and make the most of it.” There was some kind of seriousness between them that hadn’t been there for a while.

“No offense but that’s easy for you to say.” Joel tried not to sound mean, it wasn’t his intention. “You still have Gus. Not that Burnie and I had that same kind of thing but, you know.” He cut himself off, not sure how to explain it.

“No, I get it.” Geoff immediately tried to comfort his friend. “Burnie was that one person for you.” The fact that he used the past tense made Joel’s heart beat twice as fast, as if it was almost trying to break itself. “I know we’re not sure what is happening, but the fact is you can’t count on him anymore, and that fucking sucks. I get it. It’s fucking terrible.” Geoff went on as Joel tried to keep a straight face. “Not to be gay but I’m still here, every day.” A smirk was suddenly on his face again. “Gus is also here even if it doesn’t seem like he wants to be. Things are not what they used to be but everything evolves and, as annoying as Gavin and Michael may be, I think we got a good bunch of idiots with us.” The spark in his eyes made it obvious that he really meant it.

“I guess you’re right.” Joel said, trying to put on a smile that he knew was forced and it felt bitter. His heart was still struggling not to sink. “They’re all pretty good kids.” It was a desperate attempt to find the bright side and it made Geoff giggle.

“You love her.” Geoff declared with a knowing look while getting up to leave. “You love her and you hate yourself too much. Stop it. You’re an okay dude.” Those were his last words before leaving the room.

Joel wasn’t sure but something had changed during that conversation. They didn’t have many serious and emotional talks, they were extremely rare, and Joel sometimes forgot how much Geoff knew him. His heart had gone from sinking and breaking, to burning. The pain wasn’t gone, it still hadn’t been dealt with at all, but there was something new there that Joel was dying to understand. He would have to deal with Burnie later. The problem in the crew was still very much there and they would need to solve it in order to keep everyone sane. However that could wait, it would have to wait.

Barbara. He needed to find Barbara. There was a little voice in the back of his mind telling him not to do it, he shouldn’t use her to fill whatever empty sad void he had going on. His bigger voice, encouraged by Geoff, knew that wasn’t the case. She needed it as much as he did, and he had been so painfully oblivious to it. Barbara looked like sunshine and smelled like strawberries at all times, and whether he wanted it or not she was already in his life.


	5. Gold

“Have you seen Barbara?” Joel asked Ryan as they crossed paths on the stairs.

Time seemed to go in slow motion as he ran all around their apartments asking anyone he would run into if they had seen Barbara. Ryan ran after him and it seemed like a good choice considering Joel looked like a crazy man. To be fair, he was going through a thing, his heart was racing and his brain was spinning around as he went back and forth with every little decision he made. It took him four attempts to unlock the door and get outside, his anxiety was through the roof and his hands were extremely shaky because of both fear and excitement. He was a mess.

Barbara was there, just turning around the corner. Gavin and Michael were both with her, and a second later he saw Jack behind them. To make matters worse, she was wearing one of his shirts open over a tank top and it made him wonder how this got so out of hand without him noticing. They were laughing loudly as they walked home, Barbara was throwing her head back as she closed her eyes, she did that a lot. Her eyes opened up again as she looked forward and her expression filled with concern, probably because of the weird scene, Joel looking desperate and agitated standing at the door and Ryan running behind him.

“What’s wrong?” Michael was quick to ask, clueless as to what was happening after looking around and seeing nothing.

“Everything’s fine.” Joel managed to get out, he didn’t want to create a problem. It didn’t help much, as everyone was still quite confused.

He decided he should just get it over with, in the best way possible.

A couple steps forward put him in front of Barbara, who seemed to instinctively take a half a step back and then proceeded to blush profusely. Without thinking much, both his hands reached for her face and were pressed to her cheeks, giving her just enough time to pull away if she wanted to, but not enough to overthink it. He wished he could slow down just to take it all in, but there was too much adrenaline and he wasn’t completely in control. Her eyes became bigger as he moved closer, until his eyes were closed and his lips were pressed on hers. He felt her breathe in sharply, but other than that she didn’t move a muscle in her body so he quickly pulled away, worried he might have made a mistake.

As confusing as it was, now she was smiling. He felt something tug at his shirt, and as she took a half a step forward to close the distance between them, he realized it was her hands clinging on to it. She was kissing him now and his concerns were quickly fading. Joel discovered Barbara also tasted like Strawberries.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Michael clearly muttered under his breath as Gavin let out a high pitched chuckle.

 

* * *

 

 

The past week had been well spent and enjoyed. Maybe it had been two weeks, not that Joel would know, but the sunlight coming through the window gave them a vague idea of time passing by. The bruises on Barbara’s hips, where she begged him to hold her, had already healed once and were becoming visible again. He had gotten used to seeing her rosy skin wherever he looked and the concept of having to look at anything else quite scared him at this point.

The knock on the door was alarming but it was even worse when it just flung open after a second. Joel instinctively covered them both with the blanket, which clearly Geoff found really amusing as he laughed and showed no intention of backing off.

“Okay, lovebirds, I’m happy and all but it’s about time you get out of here and do something else.” He couldn’t keep the giggles in as he talked. “Actually, Barb, I’m pretty sure Gavin and Michael need you for something but were too afraid to interrupt.”

“Can I put my clothes on?” She asked with a smile, trying to deal with the awkward situation, as Geoff acted offended and finally left the room.

“No, don’t leave.” Joel jokingly whined as she got dressed, making her laugh and at least that slowed her down, but she was out of the door too soon and his friend was walking in again.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.” Geoff said, leaning on the door, with a smug grin on his face.

“Like what?” He asked trying to seem offended. As he reached for his pants on the floor, he realized there’s nothing he wanted to do less than get out of that room. He actually didn’t know much of what was going on outside, but for the first time in a while, it didn’t seem to be a big deal.

“Happy, I guess.”


	6. Darkness

“What the fuck does that mean?” Michael reacted as if the explanation Gus had provided during breakfast didn’t make any sense to him. 

It was bad news. It was the worst of news and waking up to those wasn’t easy on any of them.

They seemed to be gone for good this time. They had taken every single thing that they owned, their apartment had been left empty. Gus and Geoff woke up to a bottle of Jack Daniel’s on their nightstand, which Matt usually bought for them, while Joel had found a note that he hadn’t found the courage to read yet, still the message seemed pretty clear.

There they found themselves yet again, Gus, Geoff and Joel sitting around the table in silence thinking about god knows what while they tried to think of a way to explain this. The group of “kids” they had collected eventually showed up and found this weird scene, and as always Gus was the only one with the guts to talk, although there wasn’t much to say.

“Exactly what he fucking said kid, they are gone, all three of them.” Geoff tried to provide clarity and even though he did sound angry, Michael was not the problem.

Everyone else took the couch. Everyone else clearly sensed this was one of those moments that stay forever, those memories you can’t run away from. Gus was looking at the ceiling as if he was going to find the answers there, as if maybe he could get help from it and give Michael a better reason. He needed a better reason. Geoff alternated in between resting his face on the table, trying to remove himself from reality because maybe then he would found more clarity, and looking at Joel, who responded hiding his face in his hands. Not only hiding his face, because he was also hiding the letter.

“What’s that?” Joel quickly asked the first time he made eye contact with Barbara, clearly noticing one of her cheeks was bruised and immediately got up and walked to her, causing the quiet and still scene to end.

Roles had been shifting drastically lately as they all found new things to do and adjusted to the changes. As bad as these news were, they can’t say they didn’t see it coming, so at least they were prepared.

Their new thing was heists. If Joel was being fair, it seemed right, the group worked perfectly in that kind of setting, it was easier and made more money. He couldn’t even complain, he didn’t even have to go in. He was left behind with Gus, as they monitored cameras and tracked information. After that he also had to take care of the money laundering, which was something he had to learn but it felt right for him. What didn’t feel right was letting Barbara go into action, however, who was he to stop her?

“Oh, nothing.” She touched her cheek and quickly started to dismiss it. “I got pushed yesterday while we were finishing the job and hit my face on a door. It wasn’t that bad, I didn’t even have any marks until today.” She added.

He put his hand on her cheek carefully, and she really didn’t seem to be in pain so that helped him relax a little bit. The blonde leaned into his touch, like she always did, and gave him a small smirk which reminded him maybe it wasn’t all so bad. He took a seat on the couch in between her and Jack and decidedly put the note in front of his eyes, because if he waited a second and thought about it, the note would be ashes already.

‘You’ll be okay without me’

Joel felt the flames inside his stomach burn but all he did was frown as he read it again, and again, and again. How dare he? How dare he even imply that maybe he wouldn’t be okay without him? How dare he admit the possibility that Joel would fall apart, and leave anyway? How dare he assume he was so important he could just make him feel better with six words?

The note was folded again and Joel got up and threw it on the table, for Gus and Geoff to read.

He opened the fridge and got the ice pack, taking it over to Barbara and putting it on her cheek.

Joel grabbed his gun and walked out of the door, not sure where he was going or when he was coming back.

 

* * *

 

 

“You can’t do that.” Barbara wasn’t happy, and rightly so. It had been three days since Joel had left and she was cuddling Gavin on the couch, who immediately left when he walked in. Even though she looked as mad as he had ever seen her, as soon as they were alone, her arms wrapped around him and her face was buried in his chest.

“I’m sorry.” The words escaped his mouth. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel sorry, he did. He never wanted to make her feel like that. It still felt like a lie because even though he was sorry, there wasn’t a promise that it wouldn’t happen again, he wasn’t promising he would feel better.

“I love you.” She whispered and he wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear it. This was the first time she said it and it made him furious. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It wasn’t supposed to be drunk Joel who hadn’t slept in two days and Barbara crying against his chest.

“I love you too.” And a kiss pressed on the top of her head. He hoped it was enough to make it better. It wasn’t the first time he said it so maybe that would make him sound more confident and like he wasn’t completely out of control.

They had dinner in bed and he filled her with kisses that were obviously an apology. She laughed and giggled, and as she tangled her body with his, everything else seemed to go away. With the moonlight coming through the window, he remembered and relived those weeks when he lived looking at her flushed skin and it really felt like that was all he needed to survive. She said ‘I love you’ again, but this time it was a soft mumble in his ear as she came off what seemed like the best orgasm she had ever had, and it felt a bit better than the first time she said it. Barbara fell asleep in his arms, the strawberry smell being the last thing he needed to feel like nothing could go wrong, like nothing had ever gone wrong.

But the room quieted down. Barbara was asleep and Joel was left alone with his thoughts in the darkness. Turns out lots of things had gone wrong and he still wasn’t okay with it.

 

* * *

 

“Why didn’t you stop it?!” Gavin was screaming at Jack. Jack was screaming back at Gavin. Michael joined in at some point making the fight even louder. Jack was crying and Ryan was hugging her and nothing seemed right.

And again, even though no one could believe it, they found themselves sitting at the table. This time Gus was buried in his own frustration, rubbing his forehead and letting out a loud ‘fuck’ every now and then. Geoff’s eyes had never been so full of worry, as he looked at Joel, who had poured himself four glasses of whiskey already at nine in the morning. Again, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a note were on the table, but this time both were in front of Joel. The screaming on the background didn’t stop, instead it only got louder and messier.

It suddenly got quieter when Joel stood up. It took him a couple seconds to stand straight, clearly not aware of how drunk he was, but no one moved an inch. The note was in his hand as he looked around. Jack was in Ryan’s arms as she babbled about how she saw Burnie, but didn’t understand what was happening until she was gone and there was nothing to do by then, as if she owed Joel an explanation. Gavin and Michael were now pacing around the room while they heard Jack’s explanation, getting more riled up every time. The note ended up going to Geoff, who doubted for a second but finally took it.

‘I love you but I need more. Don’t look for me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

It was stupid but for a minute Joel was thankful. Barbara knew the damage she was causing, she was completely aware of it and even though she still left, at least she owned up to it. She knew Joel would be left broken, and she took that into account when she made her choice, and really that’s all he could ask for. However, this time, he couldn’t say he saw it coming.

“We need to go find her.” Gavin let out after what seemed like forever. His eyes went around the room and finally settled on Joel, thinking he would find support for his idea.

“And do what exactly?” Joel replied and maybe it came out more aggressively than he meant to, but his friend would probably let it slide this time, considering the situation. “She left a note asking that we don’t look for her. Jack saw her leave by her own means. She even packed all her stuff. This was clearly a planned thing.” He stopped to take a deep breath and masked it as a sigh. “I’m sorry kid but she’s gone. She has left with Burnie and none of them are coming back.”

 

“Don’t kill yourself please.” Geoff said as he walked in Joel’s bedroom and found him putting his gun on a drawer. There was no response at all. Clearly that wasn’t his plan, but it didn’t exactly seem like a crazy idea, still he probably couldn’t pull it off. “I don’t really know what to say here. Is there anything you want me to say?” He asked and Joel was almost amused at the gesture.

“We’ll be fine. It’s not like she was an essential part of the heists.” It sounded stupid as soon as it was out of Joel’s mouth but it was the best he could do. The window was right in front of him and looking at the dark sky wasn’t helping, it didn’t ease the bitterness and it didn’t make the pain in his chest go away.

“Joel, I feel like I don’t need to say this but I still want to.” Geoff started talking faster as he took a seat next to Joel on the bed. He tried to stop him but it was too late. “I can’t tell you I understand how you feel, you clearly had it worse than everyone here, but I can speak for Gus and myself, and we’re not…”

“Stabbing me in the back and leaving?” Joel interrupted and let out a low chuckle. Not that it was a funny situation but it was his natural reaction to try to deal with the awful feeling of emptiness.

“Yeah. Well, we’re not doing that.” Geoff promised awkwardly with a smirk on his face. For some reason that felt comforting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it here, I'm so sorry.  
> Also you can find me @ http://barbvin.tumblr.com message me and we can talk about why I hate myself


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